So like. Old bearded people have been going on and on about how nothing is absolute and change is the only constant and all that yeesh, but once again humanity moves forward with the a hunger to prove everyone but themselves wrong.
Whoever said nothing is absolute did not celebrate Christmas. Or rather, Christmas with family. Or they were highly depressed when celebrating Christmas with family because no one in a “I’m neutral about what today is going to be about” mindset would say that nothing is absolute after Christmas.
Christmas is confusing. Like, it’s weird. A fever dream with some sparkles and carols and Mariah Carey Instagram reels. And presents. Oh sweet Jesus. How are we supposed to present shop, show up at family dinners and NOT rob three different banks in the process? Fuck overpriced shit. Eat the rich.
All the gift worthy relationships in my life are people who help me not fuck up, which is helpful in it’s own way. But you know when one needs to be reminded the most to not fuck up? Present shopping. I am aware in my subconscious that I ,in fact, do not need the yodeling goat for myself or anybody in my close vicinity. And yet, it is sitting on my dining table, innocent and pretending to not know that it is a luring machine. Asshole.
I would think something like deodorant is a cool present, right? I mean, I cannot get actual perfume due to personal reasons that involve lack of will, intent and money. But deodorant. Specifically, “Sea Mist” deodorant. IT’S A GOOD PRESENT. Apparently not, though. The poor ‘Sea Mist’ has been used on a dog, sprayed into eyes in a particularly aggressive debate and been on all parts of the body except the armpits. (Yes. The HIGHLY sensitive parts, too).
Therefore. The first thing that is absolute on Christmas. Bad presents and judgement.
The second thing that is absolute on Christmas. Rich bastards pointing put your rapidly spiraling financial state, because let’s make everything about money and capital and how society is basically just a made up construct that could crumble any minute.
The third thing that is absolute on Christmas. Jesus.
Listen. I love church. I love the candles and the glass and all the singing. I also love the Pope. I think he’s a hella cool dude. But Jesus? Mr. Water to wine virgin man is uh, he’s the topic of a lot of debates. But it’s his birthday. The worst people in the world are the ones that ruin birthdays. Happy Birthday, Jesus.
The fourth thing. Disappointment. Every little raisin in the Christmas cake is just a plump, juicy mouthful of disappointment. From relatives, from people you haven’t met since you were 4 and just, people in general. EVERYONE is so disappointed. I do not understand it. What’re you unhappy about, Aunt number 12? Me? Am I a source of disappointment to you? Or is it just your husband passed out in the corner with his 5th beer? Is it your daughter who passed with a 96 percent when all your friends kids passed with a 98 average? Is it that the Turkey is too dry? Is it the fact that you didn’t get nice presents? Is it your great great thrice removed niece who’s filling for divorce?
So. Yeah. You know what’s NOT absolute about Christmas though? Broken legs, at least broken human legs. Turkey’s unfortunately cannot say the same.
Merry Christmas. Or not. I don’t judge un-merry Christmas’s. Jesus cried on Christmas. Look where that got him.